When Parenting no longer looks like Parenting! Getting your child ready for College using an Adult-Adult Relationship.

Children grow up.  It’s a fact of life.  Children eventually become adults and the rules of the game change, or do they?  For some parents, your daughter/son may need protection, guidance, or motivation to make progress.  There comes a point, however, when these children, as adults, need to be treated like just another adult.

Most of their lives, children seek advice, look for direction and require support from parents when making decisions.  As a parent, that role is so critical.  Educationally, the federal policies (FERPA) even designate that parents must be part of any academic decisions up through senior year of high school.  So does that mean parents HAVE to do everything until then?  Well, once that student enrolls in college, game over!  Parents need to exit stage left, and quick.  The same federal policy that states parents must be involved until a certain point in time with their child’s educational planning, then states that the only person making educational decisions in college is the student themselves.  No parents, no spouses, and no significant others matter at that point.  Got it?  That means the child you protected for so long now has to fend for her or himself.  Are these students ready if parents have done everything for them until that point? No!  What can be done?

During the high school years, parents can slowly move out of the driver’s seat and let students take control of that steering well.  There may be an accident or two along the way, but they have an insurance policy at this point, as mom, dad or a guardian are there to teach them how to manage and learn from the challenges and let them know it’s going to be OK, you can DO IT!  No longer is it a Parent-Child relationship.  You are beginning to move towards an Adult-Adult relationship.  If a student’s first experience of self-reliance is their first semester of college, then be aware that managing all that freedom could go in many different and sometimes dangerous directions.  Having freedom in a safer environment first makes it easier on a student during the college years, so affording them some freedom to make their own informed decisions in high school is perfect.  Discuss the alternatives with them but know they have the driver’s license now and they are driving their car.  Let them be themselves.  Readiness for understanding how to manage freedom, making their own decisions, and letting them face any consequences is the essential key to success for emerging adults.

Think of your child as a friend or co-worker later on in their adolescence.  How would you have reacted if one of these individuals had a similar challenge?  When your child faces a problem, instead of being a parent, think of how you would respond if they were just someone in your life you knew and cared about, knowing they could make their own decisions instead of having you control the situation to protect them.  I get it, parents know better, but how do your children learn how to know better for themselves?  You’ll begin to see things differently if you treat them like just another grown up and in the end, help them learn about becoming a stronger adult.

Have you ever coached 11 crazy eight year olds? They are like college students!

I’ve spent the last seven months coaching my son’s soccer team.  Let it be known, I chose a career working with college students because I knew I did not have the patience to teach younger children.  I have learned a lot through this experience and boiling it down to the essentials, eight year olds and college students are essentially the same.  Here’s why:

• They have a tremendous amount of energy and desire for success.
• They can easily be distracted and their attention must be captured in order for them to be engaged.
• They must learn the importance of overcoming failure and not showboating success.
• They must learn to work together as a team, recognizing each other’s strengths in any group and trusting each other.

Well, these hyper eight year olds have taken one of the most challenging seasons and learned about themselves as individuals and as a team.  The result?  A 9-1 win in their first game of the spring season this weekend. The focus?  It was trust in each other, using resources and planning that creates opportunities for success.  The same approach can be used for coaching college students.

In academic coaching, we seek to identify where a student is at right now and engage them with resources or strategies that can take them to the next level.  Often times, it’s getting them to recognize that team that surrounds them and letting them know it’s ok to trust each other for support.  A college education is challenging, and as Sanford stated, learning can only occur when you balance that challenge with the appropriate level of support.  It’s a noteworthy occasion when this happens.  We, as academic coaches, have a responsibility to listen to a student’s story and provide them with the information and guidance to make a decision so they can take the next step towards success.  It is a huge responsibility.

I had my reservations about taking on some responsibility for coaching a soccer team of eight year olds.  Now, I am grateful for the gift of that experience.  I have learned that ALL students have the potential and it is amazing when an engaged, purpose driven and communal experience begins to make an unachievable dream a reality. 

To my son Ethan, keep kicking!  Coach knows you're doing your best and you are doing great!

Educators without Borders

Have you ever read the charter for Doctor’s without Borders?  Neither had I until I came across it today.  It was the perfect piece of writing to focus some of my frustrations with the current issues facing readiness for college. It goes on to say that staff of the organization “provides assistance to populations in distress, to victims of natural or man-made disasters and to victims of armed conflict. They do so irrespective of race, religion, creed or political convictions.”  So I thought, some of the most educationally disadvantaged populations in our society are in distress, dealing with man-made disasters of the mind, and face conflict, at times with very tragic consequences.

One of the sources of my frustration came from reading about a high school teacher’s concern with how unprepared students are for college.  Bernstein retired and was compelled to share with college professors that students making their way to college were not ready.   He shares, “I would like to believe that I prepared them to think more critically and to present cogent arguments, but I could not simultaneously prepare them to do well on that portion of the test and teach them to write in a fashion that would properly serve them at higher levels of education.”  They are victims, taught to process, do piece work and become skilled at test-taking.  One could suggest they are now programmed robots.  What to do?

In reading Seth Godin’s recent blog post on “those people,” again I was also reminded that there are some leaders in higher education who believe they know it all.  A community college administrator shares that many seeking an accessible community college education, or "those people," will only end up with blue collar jobs, mopping floors, flipping burgers and asking “can I take your order?”  In essence, they won’t make it in college. Really?  Seth was right on in addressing her directly.  You never know when one of those individuals, when given an educational opportunity, will discover the cure for cancer, revolutionize how we interact or better yet, just aid a fellow human in need.  We all have biases, but we need to be aware of them and work through them.  As Educators without Borders, we should connect with future college students regardless of race, religion, creed, political conviction or perceived skill level. 

We have a responsibility to help students discover who they are, identify their talents and strengths and encourage them to use their minds in ways that will improve society.  Much of this preparatory work can be done during secondary education but education policy does not currently offer the environment for doing so.  We can get more technical regarding training and development for faculty and staff, but at its core, we just need to believe in the potential all students have for achievement through a college education.  We must prepare them for the challenges of critical academic and developmental experiences.  Let’s think outside the box and get students doing the same.  Educators without Borders will inevitably create Students without Borders, and a Society without Borders!